I Am Officially a Hero
I’ve tried to tell people I’m not, but they just won’t listen.
“You would have been well within your rights.”
When the interview finished, the policeman told me that I would almost certainly hear nothing more about it, as they appeared to have the suspect bang to rights (an expression without which no conversation with a policeman is complete). He was as kind about my bungling as he could bring himself to be, but I felt like a complete idiot.
The next morning I received a phone call.
“Mr Monbiot? I hope you don’t mind me ringing you. I’m from the Thames Valley Police press office. I’ve had the Oxford Mail on the phone. They’re saying you’re a hero and they want to write a piece about it.”
“But I didn’t do anything. In fact I messed it up.”
“Well that’s what they’re saying. I was wondering if you’d be prepared to talk to them.”
“It sounds like I’d better.”
They rang a few hours later.
“The police are saying that you’re a Good Samaritan.”
“No, no. I messed it up. It was a disaster. I caught the mugger and then I let him go again.”
“That’s not what they say. They say you’re a hero and you were very brave last night.”
“No, that’s completely wrong. I’m certainly no hero and I wasn’t at all brave. All I did was speak to him and take his word for it when he said he wasn’t the mugger.”
“Well it’s already gone into the second edition. If you don’t mind we’ll write it up again for tomorrow.”
“But there isn’t really a story. I messed it up.”
I haven’t seen that second edition, but the next day I found the headline SCREAM SET MAN ON TRAIL OF BAG THIEF. “A Good Samaritan went in search of a robber who snatched a woman’s bag … ” It contained one quote from me: “I’m certainly no hero and what I did wasn’t brave”. This, of course, succeeded only in giving the impression that I am also very modest.
Since then I have been plagued by it. Whenever I leave the house people come up and congratulate me.
“No, they got it all wrong. I really didn’t do anything. I messed it up.”
“That’s what they all say.”
“But it’s true.”
“Well I think you’re very brave anyway.”
So I’ll just have to live with it. I am officially a hero and a Good Samaritan, rightly honoured for the courageous act of speaking to an old man with a limp.